Just So Complicated
by Fluff.and.Rainbows
Summary: Lavi finds that there's a war zone going on inside his head, and he doesn't know what to do about it. Prequel to "And It Was Perfect," implied Laven and Kanda/Lenalee.


**Warning.** Implied homosexual relationships, mentions of violence and mental unrest. Otherwise, uh?

High five for shortest warning yet!

**Fluffy doesn't own D. Gray-Man. This is highly unlikely to ever change. Ever.

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This had to be both the most interesting and most _frightening_ thing Lavi had ever experienced in his life, and he had experienced what he thought to be the best of both worlds. He wasn't quite sure when it had started, but he had a vague sense of what-- or _who_, as they case would be-- was responsible.

Allen Walker.

It was all that white haired, little sixteen year old Exorcist's fault that this was happening. Before meeting him, before seeing just what true compassion, true friendship, true _anything_ positive, really, looked like, he had been fine. He had been able to totally detach himself from the world around him, he could watch events unfold completely unbiased, he could do the minimum required of him from the Black Order, and he could fulfill his duties as Bookman Junior. _Now_, though, oh, _now..._

He couldn't.

He sat in his room, head in his hands, without his trademark headband, allowing his hair to fall free around his face. Like this, he didn't feel like Lavi. He didn't feel like _anyone_, not a single one of his forty-eight other personas, yet he felt like all of them _combined. _It scared him. It scared him a _lot._ Several different points of view battled for control inside his mind, and he could have cried from the sheer weight of it all. The heart he thought he didn't have, the very same one he thought he had gotten rid of so long ago, was beating hard in his chest, threatening to burst from the strain. He didn't know just where any of them ended and where he began. He was _breaking_, and it _hurt._

Now that he thought about it, he did know when it all started.

Locked inside a world of his own, his mind conjured about the image of that fog filled bamboo forest, the blood stained ground, littered with playing cards. Timcanpy hovering sadly above the biggest pool of red. He could see the video Tim had captured, the fear and _pain_ on Allen's face as his Innocence was ripped away from him. Yet, the near broken Exorcist still managed to tell his golem to take the dropped Innocence away from the Noah, to get it to safety...

The heart he wasn't supposed to have broke.

The Ace of Spades, clutched in his hand as they sailed to Edo, Tyki Mikk telling him he knows how that feels, losing a friend. Telling him Allen Walker wasn't dead.

There, Lavi realized, was when he began to break away from himself. That was when his mind began to shed each and every persona he thought he had locked away, and when "Lavi" began to riot.

He could have cried when he saw Allen's face again for the first time after that, but he didn't. He wanted to, he wanted to run at Allen and hold him, sobbing and screaming, but he didn't. That wasn't _"Lavi."_

Then who was it?

He didn't know.

When Road Kamelot trapped him inside the prison of her mind, and he saw Deke, saw _himself_, he didn't know what to think. Was that really what he looked like? Was that really who he was? Boxes upon boxes, coffins upon coffins rising up out of the water, he still didn't know what to make of it all. He knew it wasn't real, but, _oh, God..._Lenalee, pale, beautiful, broken Lenalee, lying in a casket filled with flowers. He had run to her, hoping to God she wasn't really dead, _but this wasn't real, what was he so afraid of?_

The Ace of Spades fell out of his sleeve at one point, and he realized what he was so afraid of.

"You kept this for me." Allen Walker, his best friend, the boy who had literally turned his world upside down, the only person he would want to cry for... "You didn't tell Bookman..." The ghost of a smile on a pale, haunting face, so like Lenalee's in its beauty, yet so different. "Thank you."

Then Deke, _himself_, smashed clean through that beautiful face, and Allen was falling into the water, the Ace of Spades barely grasped between his fingertips...

Lavi came back to himself in a rush, gasping, and realizing in a dim sort of way that his cheeks were wet, salty pools collected in his palms. He panted and choked, sobbing so hard he hiccuped, and tried desperately to collect himself. He had no need for a heart, why was this happening...? He scrubbed furiously at his eyes with the heel of his hands, letting out a disgusted noise when his damp palms did nothing to clear of his eyes of tears. He swiped his hands on his pant legs, scowling fiercely.

Why was this happening?

Sure, Allen Walker had showed him what having a heart really meant, the good and the bad of feeling emotion, of letting yourself grow attached, but he didn't think it had gone this far. Far enough that, he choked on a sob, that he lost his entire sense of self, his grip on his persona. Where did they all end? Who was _he?_

A soft knock on his door sounded, and he nearly jumped out of his skin. _Shit, please, don't let it be Bookman..._ "Lavi? You didn't come down for dinner, are you alright?" He breathed a shaky sigh of relief and quickly grabbed his headband, tying it on sloppily to at least give himself some sense of who he was supposed to be. _It's only Lenalee..._

He checked his face in the mirror. His eye was ringed with red, angry and splotchy, but he was fine otherwise. A graceful crier, it seemed. He thanked whatever was listening for that much. Scrubbing at his eye one last time to clear the dried tear tracks, he forced a sad smile and opened the door. Lenalee jumped at the sudden movement, gazing up at him with worry. His sad smile didn't reach his eye, she noticed.

"What was that, Lenalee?"

She blinked and took note of the red ring underneath his green eye, contrasting with his otherwise pale skin and happy features. Something just wasn't right. "I asked if you were okay...You didn't go down to dinner. Allen was worried. Is something..._wrong?_ Were you crying?" The thought of Lavi crying was so _foreign_, the words leaving a bad taste in her mouth.

Something changed behind the green, but she wasn't sure what. When Lavi spoke, he didn't quite sound like himself, almost like he was someone else, only acting a part. His voice even sounded different, almost as though he was faking an accent. "I was, a little. Nothing to be worried about, though, I'm fine now." His smile was still sad, but there was something else underneath it. Something fragile, dangerous...

"Are you sure?"

He laughed, but it was as forced as his smile. There was no humor. "Positive, Lenalee. You can tell Allen I'm fine, too, if he was so concerned." The way he said Allen's name worried her, too. He sounded _bitter_.

"Okay...If you're sure..." She turned to leave slowly, giving him plenty of room to call her back. She smiled at him over her shoulder, almost hoping he'd call out to her, tell her what was wrong, so she wouldn't worry nearly as much. He didn't. Her footsteps were too loud in the silence, the click of his door shutting almost ominous.

She had to tell Allen.

She found him in his own room, lying on his back, still in his vest and tie, boots still on, like he was expecting to be going somewhere soon. His still gloved hands were resting behind his head when she cracked his door open and peaked inside. He sat up at the sound of her entry, his smile a little concerned, but calm nonetheless. She had a feeling it always would be. "Did you talk to him?" he asked.

She nodded, and he moved over to give her room to sit down. The door to his room was left open, as Komui would surely overreact if he heard his little, precious baby sister had been in a closed room, alone, with a boy. Neither of them had any doubt he'd hear about it, he would. They took precaution. "I did. He...he was _crying_, Allen!" Allen's expression turned from slightly concerned to clear worry before she could take in another breath to continue.

"Crying?"

"Yes! The entire time I've known him, he's never once done anything _like_ crying. I'm worried...Something...Something's _happening_ to him, Allen. You've seen it, too, haven't you?"

Allen looked away from her, to his hands resting loosely in his lap. He frowned, biting gently at his lower lip in thought. Finally, he nodded. "I have...But, what? Why hasn't he told us?"

Lenalee sighed and rested her elbows on her knees, palms up to cradle her chin. She felt tears of her own pinprick at her eyes at the mere thought of Lavi crying, of something being wrong with him. He had become a part of her world. If something was wrong with him, then something was wrong with the rest her world, and she wasn't sure she could take that, not when she didn't know _what exactly_ was wrong. "I don't know...When I asked him if he was okay, he didn't sound like himself...His voice was different, like it was someone else using it and not Lavi..."

Allen slipped an arm around her shoulders comfortingly and squeezed lightly. She leaned into the warmth of his side and rested her head on his shoulder. Her hands found his free one and gently held it. He stiffened at the motion, and she dropped it. She knew better than to touch his left hand, but it had slipped her mind. He relaxed again, and let out a sigh of his own. "I'm sure--"

"Oi, Moyashi, have you seen Lena--" Both Lenalee and Allen looked up to see Kanda standing in his open doorway. His eyes widened only slightly at the intimate position the two were in, and he scowled. Through clenched teeth, he hissed, "Komui wants to see you, Lenalee. _Now._" He then turned on his heel and marched away, muttering in angry Japanese under his breath.

Allen gave Lenalee a confused look, and she laughed softly. "I'll go see what Brother wants, alright? Maybe, you can try talking to Lavi, too?"

"Sure, I'll try."

She gave him a friendly peck on the cheek, and Allen was so very glad Kanda was no longer watching. If a one armed hug angered him that much, he didn't want to know what a kiss-- even one as innocent as that-- would do. Lenalee shut his bedroom door behind her, and Allen returned to his previous position, fingers threaded behind his head.

Lavi had been crying. There was most definitely something wrong with him, but he was unwilling to let anyone know. Maybe Bookman had an idea? No...Allen scratched out asking him; the man had made it very well known that he wasn't there to get involved with the intricate relationships with the Black Order, including ones that involved his apprentice. He wouldn't be of any help. He could ask Lavi himself, but if he wasn't going to tell Lenalee, why would he tell Allen?

The boy sighed and rolled over to face the wall. The painting there caught his attention, and he sat back up, pulling his legs underneath him, much like when he had first come to the Order. He touched the painting again, and let out a breath through his nose.

Things were so complicated...

He hoped Lavi would open up to what was bothering him soon, as Allen didn't like having to worry about him. The Bookman apprentice was usually so carefree with his emotions. Something drastic must have happened to upset him so much. Allen's heart skipped a beat at the thought, and he dropped his hand from the painting to clutch at his shirt. He closed his eyes and sighed again. His thoughts about Lavi had been so inappropriate lately, and he forced himself to shake his head and put those aside. Lavi needed his _friend_ Allen, nothing more.

Things really were just _so_ complicated sometimes.

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**Author's Notes.**

lolwhat.

I don't know. I guess this could be considered a prequel to _And It Was Perfect_. I remember saying I might make a _sequel_, but this was totally not what I had in mind. I was just doing some more Lavi-centric thinking, wondering what would happen if he really started to break away form his other persona's and truly become _Lavi_. I guess this could be considered what was happening inside of him that made him break down and tell Allen what being a Bookman means. Huh.

Writing Lavi-centric stuff is just so..._amusing_, somehow. I don't know. I hope I moved points of view well enough and didn't make Lenalee too out of character. I love her bunches, you see, and ruining her character would make me very sad. :c

lol Kanda, you poor angry prick. Always come in at the wrong times, don't you? I doubt he'd actually go to _Allen_ looking for Lenalee, but whatever. _Pretend._

My mommy interrupted me halfway through writing to watch _Watchmen_ with her. I love Rorschach, but I really don't like any of the others. I know you really aren't meant to like any of the heroes in that series, but _damn_. I _really_ don't like them. And they kept interrupting Rorschach being badass to make us watch Dan and Laurie being..._ew._

I was going to say something else...But! I can't remember now. Damn._  
_

Anyway. Carry on?


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